Devil’s Blood

So Suzy Bloomfield and I have agreed to put on a show that will be coming to a pub/club/theatre/park/bus/street corner, possibly near you, at some point in the future.  As part of my research into the general theme I thought who better to speak to than Penny Whistleblower.  And the old girl came through for me, taking time out from her coverage of the tri-party conferences that have been engulfing British media of late (which is really a smoke screen for her to indulge that obsession with John Prescott).  Like a true tabloid floozy Penny dug up some dirt on none other than Tomato Ketchup, as a little appetizer for the new show, Condiminium, coming soon. 

The Sinister side of Sauce – Unmasking the Devil’s Blood.
by Penny Whistleblower

When sitting on a beach relaxing with some good old fish n chips or having a burger at a summer barbecue think again before you reach for the ketchup.  That innocent sauce you smear lovingly on food is, like nature, red in tooth and claw.  In the 18th century it was known as “Devil’s blood” until the then Pope took a liking to it and decreed a name change.  Originally used in satanic ceremonies to represent the blood of Beelzebub, Ketchup has a dark past, and according to some, a darker future.   In recorded history at least 1029 people have lost their lives thanks to the red stuff, more than have ever died at the hands of its bedfellows – mayonnaise, tartare and brown sauce.  The first monk to die from ketchup was in 1358, when the witches he was denouncing smothered him in a vat of devil’s blood.

It isn’t only religious followers that have suffered at this popular sauce’s hands.  At least 36 people were killed slipping on devil’s blood, one falling out of a 9-storey window and being impaled by a car aerial as a consequence.  Little Jack, a 4-year-old from Minnesota, died when he swallowed 12 ketchup sachets.  The sharp edges caused intestinal blockage making him explode in a geyser of  blood and tomato ketchup. Since then companies have employed small children to trim the edges of condiment sachets into low-impact curved forms, using nail scissors. Despite the controversy, and yes, the death of many employees in skirmishes with foreign workers who are accused of “taking our jobs”, this practice has been allowed to continue due to children having the only hands small enough to trim the little serrated edges efficiently.  Moves are currently under way to open employment up to dwarves, little people, midgets and those suffering from “withered hand” and “alice-in-wonderland” syndrome.

So, what does the future hold for tomato sauce?  With sales rising despite global economic collapse, many fear that devil’s blood is replacing traditional meals as a cheap filler.  Often touted as “one of your five-a-day”, schools in Worcester recently started serving bowls of ketchup instead of custard.  This trend is unlikely to continue in educational establishments however, due to a run on hyperactivity in the school that has been linked to the high number of e-numbers that put the red in dread.  In March this year the teachers of Saint Hellion’s Primary School were found maimed and dismembered after pupils went on a ketchup fuelled rampage armed with play dough, building blocks, plastic spades and the contents of the caretaker’s sadly unlocked cupboard. Tragic, yes.  To be repeated?  Maybe.

It’s not only children and teachers who have been the victims of ketchup though, 2 politicians died and 1 model was blinded when devils blood was used as a protest tool against bad policy and bad use of the skin of 6000 mink respectively.  With civil unrest on the increase, quangos and right-wing fish tanks are concerned that more “ketchup protests” are likely.  Recently a Facebook campaign was foiled by PIG – the Police Investigative Group, that monitors social networking sites for potentially violent mass protests.  Sergeant Hamfist of PIG said ” we noticed the word ketchup had been used 43281 times on one group page, a sure sign of potential violence.  Turns out that they were planning to cover, I mean literally cover, the houses of parliament in devil’s blood.  They’d stolen over five million ketchup sachets from Wetherspoons across the country and planned to use reconditioned fire engines, catapults, blowpipes and garden hoses to attack the building. It would have been a disaster, I mean can you imagine the clean-up?  And at least 3 cabinet politicians are allergic to ketchup that we know of.  God!  The last thing we need is more swollen politicians!”

Thanks to PIG the disaster was averted, but will we be so lucky next time?  Amid fears that Iran and North Korea are in alliance to build 100 new ketchup factories the UN is moving to place sanctions on tomatoes, vinegar and high-fructose corn syrup. Are sanctions enough to stop the bloodshed?  Will ketchup become the biggest killer of the 21st century or retain its place as leader of the condiments, no more harmful than salad cream or mustard gas?  Lets just hope that, as the dirty bombs of devil’s blood rain down upon us we aren’t left wondering why we didn’t ketchup when we had the chance.